^^click ^^

...:: Stop beliving in ME ::...

^^ Carpark North ~> HUMAN ^^

... dont want to be the outcast again ...

I want to SCREAM!!! I want to CRY as hard as I can, destroy something and throw it straight out of my window after this! I feel hurted pretty bad and I have noone who could understand this.

I just came back from my skin doctor b/c my hair is falling out again pretty bad and she told me that I probably have no other chance than to cut them off!

Well I bet noone would understand what makes me freaking out so bad about a new hair cut but thats just cuz noone really know me!

Let me try to explain....
My hair is like a holy thing for me and its the only thing that makes me kinda pretty in some way (in my own eyes) and to have problems with it is like physic terror for me.

Well, to go a bit back in time when I was pretty young i didnt had any problems with it, but than I came to school, ppl started to hating my hair cuz it made me looking different. They started hating and harrasing me and made me hating myself and hating my hair. This went on for about 12 years... as long as i went to any school i got in trouble because of them. It was kind of mind terror which hold on TOO long.

I just wanted to look like everyone else, dont wanted to ge hated anymore for no reason, so I spent tons of money to get my hair straight and floppy but it didnt worked out like i wished and at some point it fighted back.

About 4years ago I discovered that something was wrong cuz I lost abnormally much hair every day. Noone could help me and all the doctors I visited told me that everything would be allright and that you normally loose about 80-100hairs every day. It took me another year until another doctor discovered that its an problems with my hormones and gave me something to stop the falling out and make it better. and another year to get the hair stoping from falling out and grewing again new more and more. At this point I already lost 2/3 (65 percent of all of my hair. It took me another year to get it ALMOST back to some normal level (if you can call it normal) - cuz you steill can see how much hair i lost when i have them open.  .... Thats why I rarely have them open when I leave the house!

Well now that I thought everything is over it came back!! Since some weeks (probably 4 or 5) it started to fall out again, and I am very very afraid to lose them all!

My dad once told me that the real problem was, that I hated my hair so much, that it felt out of that reason cuz my body didnt felt any reason anymore to keep something I hate that much!

The problem turned so bad, that I cant wash them with anything else than baby shampoo (cuz there are no chemical stuff in it) and I cant put anything like wax or gel or mousse into it cuz my head start itching and hurting so bad that I get headache a few hours after puting something into it, so I need to wash it out again as fast as possible. On the other hand my head-skin start hurting for no reason at all since that time again very bad...

To face the fact of cutting them off is like I would go through hell a second time. I dont know how many years it would take me to get them to the level on wich they are now. Probably 2-3 years cuz they are growing VERY SLOW!! And if they will ever look like they do now again, its hard to tell if they will ever come back this way..

Well I dont want to get stupid comments on the streets and ppl who are watching at me and point with their fingers in public at me again. I had that my whole life through and I think I cant go through it another time.

I dont want you to come to me telling me that I am a drama queen cuz Im defently not! At least not because of his problem! Noone of you knewed me back in the days I had to face this problems so dont come and tell me that it probably would look good cuz I know it wouldnt! I HATE SHORT HAIR! ESPECIALLY AT MYSELF!! - noone of you knewed me when mine was so dont say it wouldn't look that bad! I know it will!!

I thought I got some strengh after all what happend in the past but I dont think taht this will help me with the same problem again.

Just tell me -
Who of you can stop me from crying??

currently listening to: AFI - Sing The Sorrow
current time: 30th September 2005 ; 6:04pm

30.9.05 18:05

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